The new trailer for Grand Theft Auto VI just dropped and we’re all pretty much losing it in the office. The first return to Vice City in 23 years is very different from the last, ditching the ‘80s aesthetic for what seems like a modern Bonnie and Clyde story in Rockstar’s version of Miami.
As incredible as GTA V was in Los Santos, it definitely lacked some sports. Sure, you could play tennis or do yoga, but if we’re being honest “sports” aren’t the first thing that come to mind in the culture of Los Angeles. Miami, well, that’s a little different — and we started talking about all the things we hope are in the game.
A Heist at the F1 Vice City Grand Prix
You see many things at a Formula One race tracks. Among them? Secure checkpoints around every corner, enough security to make the event feel like it is being held at a top secret military facility, and lots of extremely wealthy people being catered to by companies through elaborate and expensive activations.
Sounds like the perfect backdrop for a heist.
An on-the-nose satire of Lionel Messi
There is nothing more Miami than taking something the city never cared about in Inter Miami, and making it the hottest ticket overnight because of one athlete. This has everything Rockstar loves to lampoon: The addiction to celebrity in the United States, tax evasion, a niche topic sport like MLS.
If we’re not doing something to kidnap a fake Messi we’ve messed up.
Liam Coen voice acting someone
It can be a bit part for all I care. We cannot have a protagonist with the last name “Duval” and not have the Jaguars’ new head coach giving his best (and hilarious) “Duvaaaal.”
People complaining about the traffic
One of the major themes at the Miami Grand Prix last week?
Traffic.
No, not the traffic on the circuit, but the traffic getting to it. It even led to an incredible moment during the FIA Press Conference on Thursday when Red Bull driver Yuki Tsunoda was complaining about the traffic around Miami, when Alpine driver Pierre Gasly interjected “You get a police escort, what are you complaining about!”
So, some traffic jokes are expected, and they are tangentially sports-related now.
Jimmy Butler as a character
I know he’s with the Warriors, but Jimmy Butler’s best-remembered years will always be as the star of the Miami Heat. Give me a coffee-loving NBA player to spend time with. Ideally every scene his hair changes complete in honor of Butler’s love of changing up his look.
Perhaps it’s a heist at a professional basketball game and he’s the inside man?
Dealing drugs for Michael Irvin
He can be a quest giver.
Dealing drugs to Michael Irvin
He can be the end of a quest.
An empty baseball stadium
Average attendance for the Miami Marlins during the 2024 season was just 13,425.
That is down from the average of 14,355 during the 2023 season.
Miami Freedom Park
A new stadium is being built for Inter Miami CF, right by Miami International Airport. It is described as an upcoming “recreation destination that all Miamians can enjoy, providing 58 acres of public parks and green space, a tech hub, restaurants and shops, soccer fields for the community, a 25,000 stadium for Inter Miami.”
It is expected to open in … 2026. Just in time for GTAVI.
The Miami Hurricanes losing on the radio
No Miami-based video game would be complete without an homage to the most iconic brand of Miami sports, but only in this way. Miami football is on the cusp of being good again, but always loses in catastrophic fashion.
Let’s celebrate these historically hilarious losses by putting the option for a Miami Hurricanes game on the radio, but only if the Hurricanes lose on a fumble when they could’ve taken a knee, or get shredded by some super senior QB. You can even have the fan call-ins like they normally do on postgame radio!
A literal alligator on a golf course
We’ve all seen it before:
There should be a side quest in the game where you have to golf, but then an alligator steps in front of the hole and you have to choose to let it play, walk away or fight the alligator with your golf clubs. It would be absolute cinema.