Skoda announces that it will follow up the Kamiq and Kyaq with a new SUV called the Kardashianq, which will be sold with Kim, Kylie and Kendall variants. The range proves an instant hit, even though nobody over the age of 40 is entirely sure what it does.
June
After the ‘success’ of the lane-keeping and speed limit alarms, the European Union issues new safety regulations for passenger cars. These include an “Everything’s Alright” warning bong that must sound every three seconds when the car detects hazards.
Thankfully, it can be quickly deactivated by pressing up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Start.
During their comeback tour, Oasis surprises the world by revealing it will launch a new affordable EV. The band initially announces it will cost £10,000, but thanks to dynamic pricing, that soon rises to £50,000… sorry, £100,000… hang on, £200,000. One angry fan says: “If I had that much money, I’d get a Rolls with it.”
July
Adrian Newey pops into Aston Martin’s road car design studio in Gaydon for a sneak peek at the next-gen DBX. He suggests a few minor tweaks, including a double diffuser, which enables the SUV to generate more downforce than the gravitational pull of Saturn.
Eager to attract potential foreign investment, the UK government announces that, in return for at least pretending to consider building a factory here, any car manufacturer can name future products after any British location they fancy.
Alfa Romeo immediately announces that the Junior will now be called the Milton Keynes, although the firm insists that the Keynes is silent.
August
Expanding its deal with Taylor Swift, Suzuki announces plans to work with the singer to re-release new versions of all its old models.
The revived Jimmy (Taylor’s Version) again receives criticism for its poor on-road manners, but while haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, fans love its genuine Shake It Off-road ability.
Elon Musk expresses interest in becoming the new boss of Stellantis, posting on X that taking the role would accelerate his plans to conquer the world with an army of robots… sorry, save humanity through his cutting-edge technology.
